Greek Myths: Where Are They Now?

Odysseus is stuck on a cruise ship and has been trying to get home for months.

Medusa started a cannabis company, so now all those who look upon her get stoned.

Hercules has a YouTube channel where he explains how to become an “Alpha Male” in 12 easy labors.

Pandora created an app based on her box and called it TikTok.

Narcissus can’t stop posting selfies on Instagram.

Orpheus had a Covid-19 exposure and was told to isolate for two weeks before seeing Eurydice. He broke quarantine one day early.

Sisyphus became a doctor and is stuck forever trying to explain how vaccines work to people who don’t believe him.

Cassandra became a climate activist, but nobody will listen to her.

Poseidon is filing a complaint with the ocean’s HOA because the water temperature is rising.

Persephone wrote a best-selling true-crime series based on her abduction.

Oedipus has been cancelled.

King Midas returned in the form of Jeff Bezos, and now everything he touches turns to worker exploitation.

Prometheus introduced humans to the concept of unions. He was punished by being forced to watch corporate policy videos for all eternity.

Jason and the Argonauts are having a tough time getting through customs.

Achilles is selling a heel moisturizer that’s clearly an MLM.

Icarus started an electric car company that turned into a private space flight company, and eventually flew a car directly into the sun. To this day, no one knows why.

Eli Grober ’13 writes the weekly humor newsletter Here’s Something. He is a former staff writer for The Tonight Show and his work appears regularly in The New Yorker and on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.